I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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