I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
