I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
