just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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