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It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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