did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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