You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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