u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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