just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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