Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We need a shit load of segways right now
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
