I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
