Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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