Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
