How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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