and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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