Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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