I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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