I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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