I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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