The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
