i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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