The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
