Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
