i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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