her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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