I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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