it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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