You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
50% drunk capacity currently
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
