You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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