In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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