It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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