I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
