Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
