She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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