Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
