I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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