Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize