Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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