I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
