I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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