just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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