Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
