So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
