Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
