wanna go halves on a baby?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
