It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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