I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
