I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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