so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
