Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
