i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
