Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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