I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
